(Disclaimer : Kathang isip lamang. Hango sa tunay na di ko buhay.)
The label on the cup cover says, “Warning: Hot”. Yet, I am excited to take a sip. I didn’t bother myself that my tongue would get first degree burn by having the first taste of it. All I know that this green tea soy latte is pleasurable while it’s hot.
It relaxes my senses. It tastes nutty and milky at the same time I could barely taste the bitterness of the green tea flavor that sends rushing impulses to my neurons. Today is an exciting day. Today is a brand new day.
I amuse myself looking through the glass wall, watching people passing by. I know that one of them will walk in with the brightest smile. He’ll come towards me with the warmest hello I had ever heard for years.
I am thrilled.
I am frightened.
I am blissful.
All these feelings are happening at the same time. If I could describe them all in one word, then that would be it. Like a word on the tip of the tongue that you could frustratingly utter the first syllable. You couldn’t even grasp what would that word was, that would just end up fading in your cerebrum.
I hold the cup between my hands. It’s warm and just enough to keep me observant while I wait for him to walk in
This is where we first met face-to-face. I have only seen his pictures online and I quite got curious how he looks like in person. After weeks of conversations online, we decided to meet up.
He is a yoga instructor. Yes, the meditation, the bending and stuff. That’s what he is, a really interesting person. He goes to different places in the metro to teach yoga for fitness enthusiasts and not for spiritual customs. He is tall and toned. Someone I never thought the one who PM-ed me and took notice on my online profile pictures. His voice is gentle, even gentler than his choice of words he used to converse with me, that made me realize that a little insanity is the best thing that a person could ever experience; a taste of life for an office slave who had forgotten how the outside world is nowadays; a breath of fresh air.
Here in this shop, we have shared a moment of laughter that took off to the air together with the aroma of coffee beans roasted and brewed. We have shared our stories in the middle of the people doing business talk, people doing friendly hang-out, people who study for exams and people who simply want to take pleasure in having a sip of nice warm coffee. Here, there was just the two of us.
Thirty seven minutes have passed since I ordered my cup and I haven’t consumed half of it. Its color is getting darker, compared to the light olive green that it had when I took my first sip from it.
I send him text message, telling him that I am here waiting, giving him idea that I am willing to concede my self the joy that I am ready to share with him if he may allow. Giving him the idea of my willingness to surrender to that something I have deprived myself to indulge for a while.
I still look through the glass façade of the shop without any amusement waiting for someone familiar to show up. I am hoping that someone would be there walking towards me, even without the brightest smile or the warmest hello. I just want him to show up.
The cup in my hand has become cold. I hold it with two hands, and slightly rubbing the sides of it so that somehow I’ll feel the warmth on any part of it. But no, it is cold.
I drink what's left in it.
It’s bitter.
No trace of sweetness and nuttiness
No trace of the same drink I knew when I first took the sip
It’s cold.
Still I consumed it all to the very last drop.
But then, I have to get in touch with my sanity. I have better things to do and more things to come. I’ll get another cup, specially prepared for me. Only for me.
Did I say this is a brand new day? Well I guess, it really is.
Are you just a habit Or some kind of addiction? Can't seem to get you out of my system What good you have done to me Feels so stuck like glue Turn the pages in my head. there's only you
I don't care I would do anything to be near you I would go anywhere to be near you
Am I truly hopeless? Am I be pathetic? Are you even aware of my existence? Would mean everything to me If you spend a little time Could you given to me with an ease resistance?
I would do anything I would go anywhere to be near you I would do anything, go anywhere I don't care I would do anything, anything, go anywhere I don't care to be near you Just to be near you
Sa tuwing pupunta ako sa cr para jumingolize, niinis ako makita ang mga toilet bowl, na kung hindi naii-flush, ay may mga kalat kalat na wiwi sa paligid. Napakadali lang naman itutok sa malaki at malawak na butas ang kanila para di kumalat ang wiwi, at napakadali rin tapakan o pidutin ang plunger with tissue para ma flush ng maayos ang toilet.
At dahil dun, may teyorya ako na ang mga tipo ng mga lalaking iyon na check sa dalawang katangian, ay mga lalaking makasarili at di kagalingan pagdating sa sex.
Oo, makasarili at walang ibang iniisip kundi ang sariling kaligayahan sa sex. Kumbaga, makaraos lang okay na. di man lang inisip ang partner kung nakatapos o nasolb-solb na.
Nalala ko ang isang picture noon na kumalat din sa mga forwarded emails ang larawan ng isang toilet na may fake na langaw sa may gitna nito. Ayun sa pagsusuri, karamihan daw ng kalalakian na gumagamit nito ay duon itinututok ang agos dahil nakakakuha ito ng atensyon ng mga lalaki.
Nahahalintulad ko tuloy ang pagjinglolize ng isang lalaki sa sex. Parang ang lalaki pag nakakita ng simething interested sa ibang babae (o kapwa lalaki..haha) waring nagiiba ang performace nila. Di gaya ng lalaki na matagal na sa isang relasyon at nagiging boring na ang sex life, halos sarili na lang ang iniisip basta makaraos lang.
Kaya kayong mga lalaki, kung gusto nyong maging kagalingan sa kama, gamitin ang toilet ng maayos.
At sa mga babae (o mga bading), panatilihing kaintere-teresado sa mga partner ng pareho kayong maligayahan.
I don't know how to love him. What to do, how to move him. I've been changed, yes really changed. In these past few days, when I've seen myself, I seem like someone else. I don't know how to take this. I don't see why he moves me. He's a man. He's just a man. And I've had so many men before, In very many ways, He's just one more. Should I bring him down? Should I scream and shout? Should I speak of love, Let my feelings out? I never thought I'd come to this. What's it all about? Don't you think it's rather funny, I should be in this position. I'm the one who's always been So calm, so cool, no lover's fool, Running every show. He scares me so. I never thought I'd come to this. What's it all about? Yet, if he said he loved me, I'd be lost. I'd be frightened. I couldn't cope, just couldn't cope. I'd turn my head. I'd back away. I wouldn't want to know. He scares me so. I want him so. I love him so.
I suggest that you read this with the song “I Wish” by Lisa Loeb. I can’t find an embedded music for that song. You can use YouTube for playing the song.
(Prologue)
After the last call that I had to end the day at work, I went to the loo to freshen up. Just when I was about to pass the desk of the Manager on Duty, the MOD looked and smiled at me, and said "You're happy."
During the first part of the training I had in the company I'm working for, the substitute speech trainer asked the class to create a 2-paragraph-composition about what makes us happy.
If I did not lose the tickler, I could have definitely posted it on blog word per word. But as far as I remember, I mentioned something like — after the last break up I had, I never knew what happiness is.
I didn’t end the composition like I pointed out a thing that can make me happy. It’s rather ended with ellipses, than a period. I could not complete it.
I thought of not ending it with a period yet, because I was optimistic of things to come. I knew that I’ll see, have and feel things or meet people or someone that can make me feel happy.
The job that I got was fun at first. Communication training and product specification were more like you’re enrolled in a college. I often referred my colleagues as classmates rather than wavemates, and classroom rather than training room.
People were from different age brackets but everybody was like as if at the same age.
I’m in love with my college friends so much that I never thought I could consider my wavemates as friends rather than colleagues that were acquainted to you. I fell in love with them, that I felt excited everyday I went to work for training. We laughed all day, and of course we never missed learning as well.
I have also developed something in me, about and for a person, that I never thought I’ll be feeling again after the last time I felt the feeling of something I thought as my only source of happiness.
But those smiles were taken away when I had to be separated from team that I thought I belong. I belong to the 3 out of 12 to be transferred to another group I find hard to adjust with, because I was so accustomed to the people I already called friends.
I won’t deny that every time I think of them, I couldn’t help missing them and shed my tears off.
I’m already hitting production, and I never felt the same excitement I used to have when I was in training. I always get lazy to get up because I know the whole shift will be taking in calls and as if you’re super-glued to your computer whenever you’re logged in.
These past few days were like strikes of luck for me because I didn’t have to take in calls as soon as I get there. It’s either shortage of computer terminals or they have to send me to an up-training.
Yesterday, when I started my shift, a QA person approached me for my coaching on my previous calls he had evaluated. He couldn’t pull up the tools he needed for the session as quickly as tools should be. So he asked how my sleep was.
Like any other person, I could only say that it was okay. My brain couldn’t transmit impulses yet for the answer that I should be saying because it hadn’t had it’s warm up yet since it was only like an hour and a half from the time I woke up, took a bath and rushed to work.
Of course, he’s not contented with my answer. So he asked me if I am happy.
I couldn’t answer him straight and instead he went through with the session as soon as he managed to log on to his account. At the end he left me a question to ponder on before I sleep, “What can make you happy?”
After work, I lit up a candle at the nearby church, and instead of wishing specifically, I just prayed for happiness.
(Epilogue)
I stood there with big question mark on my face and told the MOD, “I hope I am.”
She smiled. “I hope you stay that way.” She said.
She introduced herself and asked for my name,
I can enumerate some things, but I am not sure if you call them genuine happiness. I feel lighter now after the prayers I sent above.
These are Tzi’s (one of my best friends) favorite quotes, that have also become mine —
“There are no sadness on earth that heaven cannot heal.” – Thomas Moore.
“Happiness makes up with it’s height with what it lacks in length.” – Robert Brown.
I've been wanting to write something. Anything. Bur for some reasons, I just couldn't get enough inspiration. Or simply be inspired..
A friend once told me that in order for you to come up with something to write on, there should be feeling of extremes -- extremely happy, extremely sad, extremely angry. But I doubt the last one. It wont let you think, neither find something what you call inspiration. Worst, the medium that I am using to work with this silliness could be blown up by now.
Acknowledgement lets you familiarize the essence of being in certain feeling. It lets you see the details, then the connections of the details, and the big picture.
I always tell my friends who are in need of some ears and shoulders (particularly because of luurve (love). -- hurting, uncertainties, complications), learn how to embrace the pain, so you'll learn how to conquer it. It makes me feel like superman at this giving advice thing everytime. Not really that I am a love guru, or Margie Holmes emulator.I just feel so, because I can make them feel lighter, and brighter, by providing them options to choose and making them realize more about the deep shit there are in.
But why do I feel empty?
Early today when a friend called because she's loving someone and someone loves someone. But I did not convince her to drive herself out of the scene. I told her that she has to tell her how much she loves him. Not in a manner of getting around the bush type. Not even just the simplest "I love you." but, the corniest "Mahal kita."
i told her that, because it would be a lot lighter in her chest if she spill out the biggest part of it. And everything falls into place -- whether she moves on her life or the unexpected.
If you are Pinoy, born and raised here, you'll know the difference of saying "I love you" and "Mahal kita". Not because they are said in two different languages, but in the way on how you mean it.
The english one can be said casually, though people say that when you say it, you have to mean it. Yes, you really have to mean saying that, But saying "Mahal kita." , there's something deep within that phrase, because it take a whole lot courage for you to really mean it with all yourself, and with all your heart. The courage to take in the great truth in it and the courage to ignore the fact that it is really corny to say. And the acknowledgement of the phrase is something really big to embrace.
I stopped as i try to rethink over what I said about how she should tell her love. It made me remember when i was in the position. The phase was echoing in my head like the sound of church bells and the last vibration that the sound produced reached my heart.
I realized, I wasn't empty at all. I felt pain from the memories playing at the back of my head. It was painful. I felt like a fragile glass ready to break into thousands of pieces by the pitch of the sound.
I realized, I never acknowledged the pain. I keep pushing it off because I'm too scared of hurting and I don't deserve any pain it caused me. I am scared that my knees weaken and probably fall down if I embrace it
I don't want to embrace it yet. And I cannot acknowledge the fact that I've been hurt.I cannot acknowledge that I've been damaged. Because this is just too overwhelming for me that I might not handle things correctly. It's too big for a shot.
But I'm saving it. I'll be ready and will finally take the courage for that one shot.
Who knows.. I might be in love as of this moment. it's just that the personal issues block me from acknowledging the new feeling, a possible new chapter.
Naglalakad kami ng dalawa sa mga kababata ko pauwi pasado ala-1 ng mdaling araw noong ika-31 ng Disyembre sa taong 2007 (Opo kanina lang iyon.) sa isang mahabang street sa aming subdivision ilang metro lamang ang layo mula sa guard house. Npansin ko na lang na may lalaki sa likod namin, at nag tanong, "Miss, anong oras na po?" Flattered naman ako. Galing din kasi kami sa isang parlor sa Maynila at feel na feel namin ang aming kagandahan --- Ang isa na Claudine Barreto ala Milan ang do, at ang isa naman ay nag pa-bob ala Mariel Rodriguez. Ang akin naman, medyo edgy - Korean ek ek.
"Mga 1:40 na po."
Dumaan ang sasakyan ng besfriend ng pinsan ko at bumusina, senyales ng pag-hello sa aming alindog. Hindi man lang nag tenkyu si manong, pa lumayo na sa bandang likuran namin.
Todo pa rin ang kwentuhan at tawanan nang biglang inakbayan ako mula sa likod, na waring kaibigang nanabik sa pagakakkita sakin, at biruin kang "Akin na cellphone mo."
Kalamado kong kinikilala ang boses at feeling ko yung friendship friendshipan ko sa church organization dito sa amin, na naka duet ko na at guwapo ang boses. Sisikuhin ko pa sana with matching "gagu!" pa sana,
Eh ang diin ng pag kaakbay- yung tipng parang payakap na siya, hindi ako masyadong makapagsalita, at nafifieel ko na rin ang mga ipin ng patalim niya na hawak ng isa niyang kamay, at ready ready na akong gilitan sa leeg
Sabi ko nga ke kuya, kungmaari eh kunin ko lang ang ID's (PRC license at SSS) at ang sim card ko. Aba may humablot na rin from behind. Nsabi ko na lang, "Eh kuya kinuha na."
Inabot ni Mariel Rodriguez, ang celfones niya kay Claudine at sinagguest na tumakbo na, ngunit hibalot na rin ng 4 pang kasamahan ni kuya ang mga bag nila.
Binitawan ako ni kuya at tumakbo. At nag sisisigaw kami para matawag ang attention ng aming mga buti-butihing mga tanod at gwardiya.
Ang mga putang ina lumusot sa isang street na may bakanteng lote papasuot sa may pechayan kung saan naka tira karamihan ng mga squatter.
Di na namin nahabol at ng mga ronda ang mga demonyo at nauwi na lang kami sa baranggay hall para mag pa blotter.
Kahit papaano naisalba ni Claudine ang mga celphone ni Mariel dahil naibulsa niya ito.
Nga pala, pareho kami ni Claudine na ipinanganak sa taon ng mga baboy.
"You are likely to lose some personal belongings, such as wallet, mobile phones or keys etc. you should especially pay attention to your mobile phone. It’s not such as big deal to lose the phone perhaps, but you don’t want to lose your friend’s the contact numbers."
Pero 2007 pa lang no!
Hay, nafifeel ko, susuwertihin ako sa 2008
Kaya ikaw. You know who you are at sa mga friendship ko na ipinanganak ng year of the rat na di ko pa nasasabihian --- MAGPALINIS KAYO NG IPIN O MAG DONATE NG BLOOD SA JUNE.
Alas-siete noong November 2, 2007, narecieve ko ang text message at 5 missed calls ng ilan sa aking mga kaibigan. Sumunod daw ako sa Gilligan's Trinoma para tomoma.
At gaya ng nakagisnan, babangon lang ako, iinom ng maraming tubig, maliligo, magkakalat ng kadamitan para sa mumunting fashion show at larga na.
Masaya sa piling ng mga kaibigan. May karamay ka sa karamdaman ng kalooban mo. Ngunit di ko akalain na sa kabila ng nakakindayog na saliw (ninakaw kong term ito, kilala mo kung sino ka), may kalungkutan na bumabalot sa usapan.
Nandoon si Wolverine. Lahat ng mga malalapit sa kanya, isama mo na rin kahit hindi niya ka-close, ay mataas ang tingin sa kanya, matalino, matapang, may paninindigan, at matibay ang loob. pero lingid sa kaalaman ng iba, marami rin syang pinagdadaanan. kahit anong psikal na sugat ay nahihilom sa iilang segundo sa kanya, na tanging hiling niya sanay pati kalooban niya.
Si Cat Woman, maganda, simple at elegante. Nakakintimidate siya dahil sa taray ng itsura niya, pero sa totoo lang isa rin siyang munting prinsesa sa loob niya, na nagnanais din ng tunay na pagmamahal na sana'y inialay ni batman ng buong boo sa kanya.
Si Green Lantern naman, parang di mo mawari, pinapakita niya sa lahat na ang talino at tapang niya, mukha lang di apektado, pero pressured siya at matagal na ring nag sususmigaw ang isang tao sa puso niya upang ipakita sa lahat kung sino siya sa loob ng kanyang skin-tight na costume. Nais niyang maging malaya.
Ika nga sa awit ni superman, even heroes have the right to bleed. Normal din kami gaya ng iba.
Noong gabing yun, unang beses ko sa buhay ko ang makinig ng kanilang saloobin ng walang isinisingit ang sarili ko sa conversation para maging center of attraction. ramdam ko ang kalungkutan nila, pero kahit papaano masaya na rin ang gabi sa amin
Napapabuntong hininga na lang kami.
Gayon pa man, masarap ang inuman, shenglot nga lang kagad ako dahil halos naka tatlong slammers ako. Kaloka.
I am so non-believer of superstition. Umm, let's say bad supertition - like when you do, see, hear, feel something negative, then it should stop you for something. Well, lam nyo naman ako, totally optimistic, and that won't stop me. Pero siempers, if the superstition is something positive, abah mas lalong lulalakas ang fighting spirit ng yours trulily.
But my story is neither positive nor negative superstition.
This happened with some friends in a nursing college. We used to have long breaks between our subjects. So, instead of staying in computer shops to play lan games, and billiarans, the group just stayed in one's dormitory unit to save baon.
So gingawa nila, nagchi-chip-in sila to buy something to eat. And on that day, they prepared Lucky Me Pancit Canton. Like any other dormer's they only have few utensils.
They enjoyed eating, and one of them dropped a plastic spoon.
I set the alarm at 6:03 in the morning for my first day of work. I have planned to leave at 6:30 but like what I always do, I just kept on pressing the snooze option everytime my phone alarms until I really felt like getting up from bed.
I was expecting that only our maids are supposed to be awake at that time cleaning our backyard and preparing our breakfast. I heard the tv in full volume, and I knew that my ate was in the living room.
No one knew in the house that I was accepted in a company.
Two months ago, I was asked to look after lola, since I did not have a job and I am the nurse in the family. But I thought of needing money for my "this-and-that" maintenance.
"Di na tayo nakapagSM kahapon. Mamaya na lang." Her good morning greeting reminding me about groceries and stuff. Not shopping.
I did not utter a word. I just had glass of water and prepared a cup of tea. I even pointed out Pamela Anderson on tv to divert my ate's attention.
I came back to my room to prepare my deviated office get up. But I suddenly did not feel good. I did not feel good leaving this house without my family knowing that I got a job. I did not feel good leaving lola for more than 9 office hours 5 days a week, me thinking what if she needed me if case an emergency happens. I wasnt feeling good like anyone else's monday as a new day in a week. I did not feel good about this.
I sent an sms message to a friend that I am not coming to work.
Ang Horoscope ko today....
"Sometimes when you plan your life too narrowly, you end up making dangerous assumptions. To avoid the pitfalls of forecasting your life, don't get too tied up in timeframes. Just think about what you want in your life and go about getting it. A few of your habits are veering into 'bad' territory -- be careful of the slippery slope you're on. If you push things too far, you will go slip sliding away! Today, add a little more discipline to your life and say 'no' more often." - Friendster
Sabi ni Tyra Banks - "Not because this is your dream, you're good at it.".
It's well said, pero di ako nagpadala dahil may sagot ako jan - "I may not be that good at it but, giving it a try is making a big leap towards my dream." Ano ang laban ni Neil Armstrong jan?
At hindi ko lang siya sinabi. Ano ba ang salita kung di isasagawa? Kahit tinanghali ako ng gising, go pa rin ako sa audition. Pinaghandaan ko ng todo ang requirements. Original at photocopy ng birth certificate ay lagi naman ready yan eh. Isang close up at whole body, para mas tipid at mas maganda, ano ba naman ang talent ko sa pag edit ng pictures ko with matching kung anu-anong kaekekan?
September 8 naman, at birthday ni Mama Mary. Humingi muna ako ng tulong sa kanya, at nag forward ng text message na pagnapasa mo sa walong mabubuting tao, tutulungan ka daw ng Mahal na Ina
Dumating ako sa PDA concert hall mga 11:30 ng umaga. marami na rin tao, pero hindi magulo. Sari-saring tao, may jacket kung jacket sa kainitan ng panahon, may make-up kung make-up kahit magkandalusaw, may mga "iha-bahay-mo-ba-to?", at siempre meron rin namang normal sa paningin kung manamit.
Kanya-kanya ring aktibidades sa pila. Di mawawala jan ang patext-text (kuno), meron ding nagjajamming kasabay ang gitara, may mga nagvovocalize with matching songhits, at makipagkwentuhan sa katabi at magpaka Mr. and Ms. Congeniality (plastikan ba?)
Mga ilang minuto lang mula ng dumating ako, binigyan na rin ako ng number sticker na ididikit ko sa kaliwang dibdib ko (asa) - 675. Ang nasa unahan mga pang 200 pa lang naman, na nagsimula pa silang pumila ng mga ala-7 ng umaga. Habang nagaantay, sa kabutihang loob ng mga event marshalls, pinapayagan naman ang mga kalahok na mag labas-masok para bumili ng pagkain, mag-stretch streching at jumingle.
Alas-4 na nang pansampu na ako sa pila mula sa pintuan ng audition room.
Isa-isa ang pasok tuwing may lumalabas. Lima-lima ang nakahelera sa harap ng judges na may mga 7 feet ang pagitan. Isa sa mga iyon ay si Direk Dyogi. May mircophone, may camera at TV para sa VTR (kung ano man siya di ko alam what VTR stands for). Ang ibang mga kalahok sa unang timbre palang pinapaputol na ang kanta. Ika nga sa nabasa ko - sell yourself in 30 seconds. Malamang bumenta na kagad o malamang tinambak na lang ang application form sa tabi.
At eto na. Moment ko na. Ang kakantahin ko sa praktisado na ng pabulong sa pila palang. Pinagisipan ko ang kakantahin ko, para ma-deviate ako sa typical. Ayoko mag ballad. At pansamantalang ayoko rin munang mamarkahan ng anino ng ika nga iniidolo ko sa pagkanta. Be iba!
Nagpaka alternative junkie ako. Anyway, frustration ko rin namang maging rockstar. Wag na ang Since You've Been Gone. Sumablay na ako jan sa Philippine Idol. Saktong Natalie Imbruglia ang sa ipod ko at naisip ko, it must be a sign.
"Take my hand and place it in my pocket...", Wishing I Was There ang drama ko. May mabilis na beat na nakaka buhay ng mga pagod na judges sa buong araw na pagsasala, at may mabilisang pagkanta na parte rin para naman kita nag versitality ko.
Hindi gaya ng inaasahan, hindi pinutol ang kanta ko. Tinuloy at inubos nila ang mukhang nasulit na 30 segundo moment ko. Napa dalawang tingin pa sila sa picture na ipinasa ko, at bago matapos ang stanza, sinilip pa ako sa VTR.
Hirit ni Dyogi (o diba first name basis), - "Thank You!"
Wishing I was there. .. Nakinig na lang sana ako kay Tyra.
Nagtungo si Nowie sa kagubatan ng Bundok Tralala upang mag picture taking at magemote ng nakasuot ng barong tagalog (mukhang natutulog lang no?). Sa kaka-pose, na padpad siya sa isang batis na may swan na ubod ng ganda.
Sa tuwa, nag-springkle siya ng bread crumbs at tinawag ang swan
" Here Swanie-swan-swan! Pswi-swih-swih-swih-wi-wi..." (<---tunog ng pagtawag sa pusa o pag nagpapajingle ng bata)
May magic pala ang swan. Lumaki ito bigla at sinakay si Nowie. Sa isang kondisyon, tanggalin ang barong dahil chaka daw ika ni Magic Swan, at magwetlook-wetlookan effect.
